It’s Not Going to be the Same.

In a conflict, whenever the final “solution” to the problem is separation or a split, one must give thought to one consequence that is often minimized.

In a divorce, you might think that you can still be “friends.”  You can still have “some kind” of relationship, but not be together.

In a church split, often an erroneous illusion is that we can still “get along.”  Since we both believe much the same thing, we can still make our separation work.  We’ll just be “here” and you’ll be “there.”  It can still be done civilly and without much impact. We just “disagree.” Nothing has “changed.”

What people don’t realize, is that the investment in relationships of this sort is personally very deep.  It peels through deep layers of trust, affection, experiences and a very deep inner exposed you.  Damage has been caused! When one walks away from another things won’t be the same!

In fact, they will be much worse than feared.  You will want to avoid, lash out and think the worst. You will be overloaded with feeling of pity for yourself.  You will fight anger and bitterness.  This could go on a long time.  Eventually, it will get better, but before it does there will be a huge dose of ugly feelings among a lot of “good” people who have been jilted, abandoned and abused.

Yes, separations are sometimes necessary, but remember, it won’t be the same.

Building bonds is what naturally happens in a marriage or a close church relationship. You may not even feel the bond, but you certainly will feel the parting.

Here’s a side note about building bonds (or not building them).

Throughout life we build bonds with our friends and co-workers that come because of shared experiences which are repetitive and take time.

I experienced an interesting phenomenon after my 50 year high school reunion.  I remembered so many of the students from long ago.  I looked forward to seeing them and sharing some of the same feelings.

That did not happen.

While it was good to see everyone again (and there want’s a single person that I regretted seeing), there was no momentum to continue afterwards as we had half a century ago.   There was no bonding over the years with people that we had not talked to or related to in any way. Some of us traded emails, but after a brief note or a Facebook exchange, there was nothing.  I even wrote to a few thinking it might be good to “catch up.”  But, in reality, there was nothing to really catch up on.  We all had our lives and relationships that were our true bonding and glue.  Seeing people from yesteryear had no adhesion.  With a tiny few there has been some back and forth, but for the most part, our past was laid to rest for what it was way back.

This was the opposite feeling of a split.  There was no investment.  There was no loss.  There was nothing.

Just sharing some thoughts about relationships and what makes for them and what should carefully be considered when making them and breaking them.

 

 

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