It’s Not Going to be the Same.

In a conflict, whenever the final “solution” to the problem is separation or a split, one must give thought to one consequence that is often minimized.

In a divorce, you might think that you can still be “friends.”  You can still have “some kind” of relationship, but not be together.

In a church split, often an erroneous illusion is that we can still “get along.”  Since we both believe much the same thing, we can still make our separation work.  We’ll just be “here” and you’ll be “there.”  It can still be done civilly and without much impact. We just “disagree.” Nothing has “changed.”

What people don’t realize, is that the investment in relationships of this sort is personally very deep.  It peels through deep layers of trust, affection, experiences and a very deep inner exposed you.  Damage has been caused! When one walks away from another things won’t be the same!

In fact, they will be much worse than feared.  You will want to avoid, lash out and think the worst. You will be overloaded with feeling of pity for yourself.  You will fight anger and bitterness.  This could go on a long time.  Eventually, it will get better, but before it does there will be a huge dose of ugly feelings among a lot of “good” people who have been jilted, abandoned and abused.

Yes, separations are sometimes necessary, but remember, it won’t be the same.

Building bonds is what naturally happens in a marriage or a close church relationship. You may not even feel the bond, but you certainly will feel the parting.

Here’s a side note about building bonds (or not building them).

Throughout life we build bonds with our friends and co-workers that come because of shared experiences which are repetitive and take time.

I experienced an interesting phenomenon after my 50 year high school reunion.  I remembered so many of the students from long ago.  I looked forward to seeing them and sharing some of the same feelings.

That did not happen.

While it was good to see everyone again (and there want’s a single person that I regretted seeing), there was no momentum to continue afterwards as we had half a century ago.   There was no bonding over the years with people that we had not talked to or related to in any way. Some of us traded emails, but after a brief note or a Facebook exchange, there was nothing.  I even wrote to a few thinking it might be good to “catch up.”  But, in reality, there was nothing to really catch up on.  We all had our lives and relationships that were our true bonding and glue.  Seeing people from yesteryear had no adhesion.  With a tiny few there has been some back and forth, but for the most part, our past was laid to rest for what it was way back.

This was the opposite feeling of a split.  There was no investment.  There was no loss.  There was nothing.

Just sharing some thoughts about relationships and what makes for them and what should carefully be considered when making them and breaking them.

 

 

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5 comments

  1. Finally! Someone states it clearly and even succinctly! We must be determined to maintain godly relationships. Giving up is never a good option and whitewashing the future of that choice is only a self-soothing lie.

    Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

    1Co 12:20 But now indeed there are many members, yet one body.

    1Co 12:25 that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another.

  2. That’s exactly what I experienced when I went to my 40th. The are a few people I have been in contact with all these years but after the reunion I didn’t have the desire to establish contact with anyone else with the exception of one person who I lost touch with. You are so right – it’s not the same and can never be the same. Not after high school or church splits or divorce.

  3. “Thou shalt not bear false witness”, said the LORD God. He told Moses to write this, which has a bearing on every young man that marries a woman:
    And Moses spake unto the heads of the tribes concerning the children of Israel, saying, This is the thing which the Lord hath commanded.
    2 If a man vow a vow unto the Lord, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.
    3 If a woman also vow a vow unto the Lord, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father’s house in her youth;
    4 And her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her; then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand.
    5 But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the Lord shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her. (Num.30)

    and…the one all ministers hate and refuse to teach:
    ” And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.
    17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.” (Ex.22: verse 17 is the Statute of Num.30)

    And Christ said this:
    All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.
    9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.
    10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
    11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
    12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.
    13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.
    14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.
    15 As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep. (John 10)

    He also said, “Go and sin no more”. He did not say, “Well, NOW you’ve done it. Your husband has a good reason to divorce you now, because YOU sinned.”

    Paul said this:
    1 Corinthians 7:11
    But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

    2 Corinthians 5:18
    And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

    2 Corinthians 5:20
    Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.

    The Church says this:

    “Yes, but…”

    The Church will be SCATTERED until the ministry is in agreement with Christ, or until the sheep LEAVE the ministry and follow Christ instead!

    The “Ezekiel warning” is right here in chapter 13:

    Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the Lord;
    3 Thus saith the Lord God; Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing!
    4 O Israel, thy prophets are like the foxes in the deserts.
    5 Ye have not gone up into the gaps, neither made up the hedge for the house of Israel to stand in the battle in the day of the Lord.
    6 They have seen vanity and lying divination, saying, The Lord saith: and the Lord hath not sent them: and they have made others to hope that they would confirm the word.
    7 Have ye not seen a vain vision, and have ye not spoken a lying divination, whereas ye say, The Lord saith it; albeit I have not spoken?
    8 Therefore thus saith the Lord God; Because ye have spoken vanity, and seen lies, therefore, behold, I am against you, saith the Lord God.
    9 And mine hand shall be upon the prophets that see vanity, and that divine lies: they shall not be in the assembly of my people, neither shall they be written in the writing of the house of Israel, neither shall they enter into the land of Israel; and ye shall know that I am the Lord God.
    10 Because, even because they have seduced my people, saying, Peace; and there was no peace; and one built up a wall, and, lo, others daubed it with untempered morter:
    11 Say unto them which daub it with untempered morter, that it shall fall: there shall be an overflowing shower; and ye, O great hailstones, shall fall; and a stormy wind shall rend it.
    12 Lo, when the wall is fallen, shall it not be said unto you, Where is the daubing wherewith ye have daubed it?
    13 Therefore thus saith the Lord God; I will even rend it with a stormy wind in my fury; and there shall be an overflowing shower in mine anger, and great hailstones in my fury to consume it.
    14 So will I break down the wall that ye have daubed with untempered morter, and bring it down to the ground, so that the foundation thereof shall be discovered, and it shall fall, and ye shall be consumed in the midst thereof: and ye shall know that I am the Lord.
    15 Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall, and upon them that have daubed it with untempered morter, and will say unto you, The wall is no more, neither they that daubed it;
    16 To wit, the prophets of Israel which prophesy concerning Jerusalem, and which see visions of peace for her, and there is no peace, saith the Lord God.

    The rest of the chapter is for minister’s wives.

    “To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.”

    I hear nothing about the Eternal Law of God here… that was NEVER read in any “solemn seventh year” at the Feast of Tabernacles, ever in the 20th Century Church (Deut.31). No wonder things aren’t perfect in paradise…

  4. The Proverbs tell how even before the earth was MADE there was wisdom. The Lawgiver (no one likes law if they are breaking it) formed Creation upon law. Many think today that God is so loving He forgives us before we repent. But, permit me to quote Him as He proclaimed His Name to Moses the second time he was told to bring up two more tables. This was so profound, Moses made haste, bowed and worshipped Him: (note He didn’t say His Name was “YHVH”). But Christ’s Blood paid for all this lawbreaking, and the mercy is for those who stop. (Prov.16:6; 2 Tim.2:19)
    Ex.34:
    And the Lord descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord.
    6 And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,
    7 Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.
    8 And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.
    9 And he said, If now I have found grace in thy sight, O Lord, let my Lord, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a stiffnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us for thine inheritance.
    10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the Lord: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.
    11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day…

    Errol Lawrence: intellect was given man from God. God isn’t known by intellect. Christ died for our lawbreaking sins, and like Moses, those that fully realize that try to live by every Word out of His Mouth. By no means does He clear the guilty, and the guilty haven’t yet repented. The forgiveness is for those that keep the Whole Law: Mal.4:4-6. Never has the Church taught that, but Paul sure did (Gal.5:3)

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